Hi again. Haven’t written in a really long while sigh. Been really busy and too lazy to write here. Anyway, moving on to writing about a really peculiar kind of friendship I have with a friend of mine — shall call her Witch now ok?
I have been a friend to you for 6 years. Yet, I feel quite suffocated in this friendship. This is why we maintained a distance from each other since around the start of this year. Can I just say, how disillusioned I am by this friendship of ours?
I think our toxicity in our friendship stems from her ability to manipulate me, and my inexplicable love for her. (Pls don’t get me wrong, by love I mean the platonic kind) I came across a quote from my college’s professor and it says “If a community is the coming together of people through what is shared, and all of us are singular beings, then surely what is common is precisely the very differences among us. Where coming together in difference is nothing other than another name for love itself.” I think this quote really applies to a large-scale macro kind of societal environment (a community, that is), but not exactly appropriate for one single relationship. Yes, that is what I am doing. By all her teases and her treating me invisible in parties even though I thought we were close I always manage to see through it and love her nonetheless. By loving I mean, not sending hate messages or blocking her on my private or other hate-related stuff as I feel it’s no point. So my point is that, if you apply the principle innate in that quote to a single relationship, it can be really toxic and really toils you down.
And then I realised,
Sometimes loving someone doesn’t have to be sticking around by their sides 24/7. Sometimes loving someone means you let go. Sometimes loving someone means you keep a distance from that person. Giving each other space. Letting each other breathe. Letting each other chase our own dreams.
Also, i realised,
This friendship is not meant to be lasting. We sought each other’s company last year as we were really quite fated (ie we live close to each other and we were both bored). There’s no other legit reason. Our personalities clash. Idk how to really talk normally to you.
And I realised,
(digression here lol) How sad and lonely I really am. It takes a lot of courage to write this (not like anyone is gonna read it anyway), but I think I have a really quiet and shy disposition. The last gathering with my orientation group was a disaster to me. I went there, met Witch and our mutual friend (whom she got v close to, let’s call her L) and another random orientation friend (C) and we took bus tgt to the party place. We were talking and when C mentioned about her commitments next year to FOP, Witch said “me and L will be your FOP friend”. She does this a lot. Leaving me out in convos. Excluding me from social situations (apart from inviting me physically tgt with L to go out). I don’t get it. I really dk why she does it. It’s not the first time. Upon arrival, L and I were seated and Witch was not. You know what happened? There was empty space beside me and there wasn’t beside L and she took the chair to make space beside L instead of me even though it was more convenient if she were to choose me.
The party was awk af. As I was seated beside people whom I had barely talked to and they were just talking amongst themselves and excluding me as usual and I ate my food in silence and observed. I observe people. It’s what I do when i get bored or get lazy or disengage myself from social situations.
Anyway, the party was such a disaster to me. I felt so sad and lonely and kept my mouth shut throughout it was as if i was mute. I feel so intoxicated. I still am while writing this.
Our mutual friend whom I used to like (N) only likes Witch not me hence N engaged Witch in convo and completely left me out. I feel as lonely as ever and I know it’s really up to me to start a convo but I cannot. I see how N interacted and I know, talking to me is a waste of time. I am not a really fun person or nice to talk to as I am quite boring honestly. If N does not talk to you, it means he really is not interested in you. I told you, I observe people. I know. (ofc he said bye Witch but disregarded me totally when we left)
It was so sad, and suffocating? Being an introvert really sucks. Being me sucks. When we left I took a cab with Witch and we did not utter a single word. I cannot, really. I cannot do it anymore. It’s taxing and hurting. What’s hurting is that Witch disregards me as a mere social parasite or some shit. But what’s more hurting, is that the world does not acknowledge or embrace my presence or personality. I know it’s a pretty big thing to call N the world cus he’s not, but I’m just using a little hyperbole here to emphasise my point.
Now, I’m just known as the quiet girl.
I have been and will always be the quiet girl. In big groups, at least.
And I’m learning to accept that.
What I treasure from being quiet is,
I use the time and space and energy to really observe people — the way they talk, the way they move, and gather data from it.
Let me just say, after the next gathering, I don’t think I will be going for anymore? Since I don’t feel wanted there? Or more importantly, I don’t feel I belong there?