The real reason I ponned PE

So here comes a rant about why I ponned PE. Feminism had to do with it.

Really unexpected huh. Almost no one ever gets me. Like how does feminism relate to why I ponned PE?? Wtf? Let me tell you why.

Basically, our patriarchal society values masculinity over femininity and often views women as the weaker sex. Thus it’s more acceptable for females to act or display masculinity than for males to display femininity. There’re two main reasons behind this — one of which constitutes patriarchal roots (as explained). Another is more complicated. It’s a misunderstanding of feminism. Based on personal experiences and observations, it’s based on the assumption that females are not believed to have the capacity to exhibit stronger, masculine characteristics. Hence, as self-proclaimed feminists themselves, females turn to actually exhibiting masculinity to prove patriarchy wrong; to prove that they can be strong. However, in doing so, it perpetuates the misconception that feminism is the one-dimensional concept of masculinity triumphing and prevailing over femininity. The second reason is more applicable here in my school.

Every time I go for PE lessons I feel really really conscious about my performance. And I’ll consider a few classmates very judgmental.

I’m a skinny girl. But the amount I eat is above average. I trained a lot due to CCA, but there’s a limit to which my body can grow muscles. My body’s a little unconventional. I am stronger (I mean this literally, physically) than what my muscles suggest.

I totally didn’t expect one incident; one casual, caustic remark of someone to shatter my faith and confidence so much. The girls were doing pull ups. So like, this guy classmate encouraged and praised my girl classmate, saying how he believed she could do it given she was in a sports cca. Then when it was my turn… When I was doing the pull ups he kinda smugly expressed his slight disbelief at my physical strength. But the whole thing was kinda like a smirk, sth like an “oh. you actually can. whatever” attitude. And… there wasn’t any follow-up praise. Not that I expected any, but the whole incident just shattered my confidence and I felt devastated. It made me very conscious of my body — of how incapable I looked. Not only that, I felt very insecure about my performance at PE too. I felt like everyone was entitled to judge everyone and accord respect to people based on their physical prowess.

So… it came to the extreme point when I felt uneasy even when someone praised me for catching the ball so well, for my flexibility, my strength etc. They could tell I hated PE lessons and hence tried to praise me when I did something impressive. (pathetic twats huh) But…. I’d just ignore them. I know it’s not the wisest thing to do but.. I felt really oppressed and uneasy even when they praised me, like I was a lab rat under scrutiny for every move I made. Like… if someone patted me on the back and say “be more confident.” I’d feel like punching someone, throwing the middle finger and cursing at them. How to be so if society denigrates femininity and if I can’t control my natural feminine body state? Do you know how much I actually trained? How many weights I lifted? How many laps I swam? How much I ran? My inability to be more muscular and appear more masculine is something beyond my control. It’s already fixed by my genes.

Hence… I avoided PE lessons. And mugged. Yes I missed all the fun, but I’d rather miss the fun and not feel oppressed than have “fun” and feel infuriated and annoyed at society.

(written at 1am my thoughts are very muddled tbh. and i know i’m overthinking that’s what I do 24/7 my brain’s a living hell)

xoxo,

pallid waterfall

Advertisements

Body shamed by a friend

JC was tough. Not just academically, but (I’ll have to admit), socially. My friend… was also kinda my bully. She denigrated my thin frame occasionally, when our mutual friends weren’t around to witness and put a stop to it. Despite her knowledge that I have absolutely no eating disorders and my thinness is merely genetic, she still continued with her verbal abuse. What depressed me most was not the insults she so abrasively and insensitively hurled at me. It was the fact that I knew that body shaming is so fucking not cool; it is not just a personal attack but also an attack on the community of people who actually or potentially have eating disorders. It was also the fact that despite my support for body positivity, I was so fucking weak that I didn’t really defend myself . Mostly I just kept quiet and ignored her. But, my mind was screaming so loudly for her to stfu and stop thin-shaming. I couldn’t express my annoyance then. Why? I always ask myself, even till this day. It bothers me, a lot. It nags at me, even. Was I really so afraid of social repercussions that I couldn’t ask my friend to stop? Was I really so intimidated by her that I couldn’t defend myself? Was I so fucking weak? Was I just thinking too much and being a perfectionist? Maybe her intention was to be helpful and to be aware of my own body? But.. did I really think that body shaming is ok if ignorance is the cause of it? Ofc not, but what is not ok is that I left it as it was, hanging, without addressing her ignorance. This haunts me still.