I’m gonna blog about the dream I had yesterday night. When I woke up in the morning, I was in a confused state of perplexity and anxiety. Between the time when I was still dreaming about things that my conscious state had no memory of, and the period when I actually gained enough consciousness to realise my dream state had left me to where my conscious mind is then, pangs of anxiety hit me so hard I thought I was better off dead. Still my mind fought off the irrational and accepted the reality.
Here is what my dream was like: (or at least, what I THOUGHT my dream was like; I have a v faint memory of it tbh. Also, I put in some elements of drama in it to make it more melodramatic so you don’t get bored to death)
My life was an entire test. Test on how mature I am, I think. There was a lever button which read “grow up”. And somehow I was conditioned to feel ridiculed, mocked and humiliated whenever it was pushed. I was in a courtroom and surrounding me was an entire jury. What was I doing there? Being assessed, I think, for being guilty. I was the defendant, basically. So… I allowed my mind to wander off freely and I thought of the word “fuck”. The button was pushed. I cried internally for that one humiliation and my whole mind went into an awry state; a vicious, self-perpetrating cycle of pessimistic thoughts…. The button was pushed again. I then beat myself up — the fact that society disdained those who let pessimism engulf themselves and categorised them as “immature” or having the need to “grow up” and “move on”* infuriated me. I felt really awful.
A levels were still ongoing. Next paper was science as I already conquered GP 2 weeks ago… or so I thought. Apparently it was a Friday, and my friend casually mentioned about GP paper on the coming Monday. I was like, WHUT? Wasn’t GP history already? She then convinced me that it was, legitimately, on Monday. I panicked ofc, as I thought I’d washed my hands of it and had entered into a non-GP mode. The feeling of dread and anxiety woke me up.
I then realised… it was all a dream. Time to move on.*