Muse muse

Hi. So I’m going to write something that’s been (and still is) haunting me up to this day.

I’m used to people leaving me. My mum divorced my dad when I was J1 and married a new guy. Ofc that reality is not as gloomy as it seems to be. In fact I am closer to her than my dad now. Because I simply cannot live with my dad. But when I type closer I mean it in relative to my relationship with the other parent. If you compare mum-daughter relationship with those of my other friends’, ha. No way would you call us close. And here’s another thing. It’s so obvious my mum loves her new husband more than my sis and me.

Now I’ll talk about my dad. V cranky, bit of an MCP. Abusive to my mum. Which I absolutely hate. In J2 that dislike was so palpable my depression exacerbated. But I don’t hate him. After all he is a responsible dad (pays my fees, concerned with my education, gives me food). That is not to say I simply cannot click with him. Every night upon reaching home after school there would be no one till my dad came back. We didn’t even eat our dinners together. I would run off to Starbucks on my own to study while he watched TV and when I came back home he would be sleeping.

There were a few times when I just lost it and I shouted at my dad. I guess we don’t click cus we are totally diff people with differing views. Plus it’s very hard to talk to him and i find it absolutely exhausting to do so as (excuse my callous candour) he gets defensive over the smallest things and almost every conversation culminates to belittling or discouraging me. It came to a point at which I could not stand his existence and hated to think of him as my biological father.

Hence I applied to RCs in NUS to get away from the house. And surprisingly my top-choice RC accepted me.

I had not gone back to my real house for very long. I stayed in NUS for the whole semester. I would say though it got a bit lonely sometimes, 1) I’m used to it 2) at least I don’t have to face my father.

It’s vacation now. During weekends I spend time with my mum and her husband and my dad goes off to somewhere. Idk where and idk what he does.

Friends have left me too. But I would say the pain is tantamount to an ant bite since I have suffered (prob still suffering) a greater one.

Depression.

My depression lies in a grey area. I have not found the root cause of it. Some people say it’s my parents’ divorce. But I doubt so.

I had it for 4 years. In actual fact I am recovering slowly from it. At the start of Secondary 3 (right before my depression surfaced) I was an absolutely chirpy, cheery, goofy and outgoing girl. I was well-liked by my classmates and was known for my warm personality.

And then I slid slowly into depression. At the end of Secondary 3 I was a totally different person. I became very cold, shut out and withdrawn. I stopped talking to some of my classmates. My form teacher asked me if I was okay once.

In J1, I seldom saw my mum. She would come back very late from work on weekdays(about 12am?) and slept on the couch (separate from my dad). She left us every weekend (at that time i didn’t know it was to date a guy lol). I saw the divorce coming. However I didn’t expect that she was having an extramarital affair as she hid it up her sleeve so well.

I did not know what was wrong with me. I knew something was very wrong about me, but I drowned all my sorrows into mugging. It sounds funny and counterintuitive that I used depression as an energy source for studying.

In J2, I completely shut myself from the world. I was suicidal, you see. I ditched my class, ponned PE, went to the library alone instead of the canteen with my classmates. There was a time when I ponned school a whole week straight. I only had to tell my doctor (who is so generous with MCs) I had diarrhoea or sth. My classmates thought it was for me to study. Yes it was but it was not the primary reason. If you ever had depression you might understand. You simply cannot face the world, or anyone at all.

I had insomnia that ranged from mild to terrible(think about 7hours of staring at the ceiling).

I woke up every day thinking I would be better off dead. I hated my existence. I wished I was never born.

And then my friend asked me to take a quiz (created by professional psychiatrists). I took it and was shocked to find that my depression lay in the severe range.

And I read somewhere (written by a psychiatrist) that depression does not have to have a legitimate cause. Some people simply have depression proclivities as their brains are wired differently. The same goes for being suicidal. And I think I’m one of those people.

I had thought of ending my life for days on end. What kept me from doing it was an obligation to stay alive. It would be selfish for me to end my life when my sister and my close friends are still breathing. I did not want to hurt anyone.

Fortunately for me, time heals. I am getting better. But I do not dismiss the chance that my severe depression would relapse or the notion that depression, albeit in a milder form, is still here to stay.

Idk why I’m sharing this to the public. It’s not like anyone would want to see this. Maybe I feel like I cannot talk about this in front of anyone, even my close friends. (it’s quite a taboo subject) Hence even if it’s some stranger reading my story, I would feel a little more at ease. At least what’s been unsaid is said.

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